By Andrew Amundson
We don’t have any proctologists on staff at American Consequences, but we still know an a**hole when we see one. The only problem is that there are so many in America. There’s such a toxic ocean of idiotic, petulant, sociopathic, hypocritical candidates, it’s a chore to find the crowning one each month… Which sphincter will hold the scepter?
But at American Consequences, we’ve dug through the trough, like truffle pigs in reverse, finding you the worst of the worst… And remember, if you’re having an awful day (or year), rejoice in the fact that at least you’re not this person.
The Winner (Loser) For This Month? Ted Cruz
For as long as anyone can remember, Ted Cruz has been an a**hole. But not just the standard kind you can order up on Amazon prime. The Texas Senator has honed and owned this identity for years, a veritable master of the game, spinelessly hacking and flailing his way through American politics for years now.
Whether he’s hyping up the Capitol Siege MAGA crowd on January 6 or hamming it up on the CPAC stage in February, Cruz is an absolute star of the GOP. And as such, he has always garnered rave reviews from fellow Republicans.
Former Speaker of the House John Boehner once gave him the adorable nickname of “Lucifer in the flesh.” And Lindsey Graham has gushed, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.” Five stars, Ted.
The Worst in Show: An Awful History
The blustering Cruz loves a good filibuster. In 2013, he spent nearly a whole day on the Senate floor blathering against the Affordable Care Act and, yes, reciting Green Eggs and Ham, thereby ruining Dr. Seuss forever (more on America’s favorite children’s author later).
This marathon showcase of horror contributed to that year’s government shutdown while also answering the eternal question: What are kids even more scared of than the Babadook at bedtime?
In 2018, Senators voted 97-1 to advance the debate over whether illegal immigrants should have a path to U.S. citizenship. The lone vote against it? You know it, people. Uh, Cruz, you’re Canadian-born with a Cuban father… Pot, meet kettle …
Very few displays of constantly reversing, toxic public affection reveal politics’ vapidity more than Cruz’s on-again, off-again media courtship with Donald Trump. Before 2016, Cruz dubbed Trump a pathological liar, utterly amoral, and a next-level narcissist. He even joked on Jimmy Kimmel about running Trump over with his car. But when Trump landed in the White House, few in the GOP were as avidly, consistently Trumpian as Cruz – with Cruz even leading the charge in the U.S. Senate against certifying President-elect Joe Biden’s election win – that is, until a few weeks ago.
In a recent interview with a Houston TV news outlet, Ted claimed that “[Trump’s] language and rhetoric often go too far … I disagree with it, and I have disagreed with [his] language for the last for years.” The best (worst) part about Cruz is how everything he says means nothing, even more so than the average politician.
Months ago, Cruz had a hardline regarding politicians and travel during the pandemic: don’t you dare. He hassled Austin Mayor Steve Adler and Democrats for traveling as the pandemic surged, calling them all hypocrites. But Ted’s real issue is that they weren’t hypocritical enough.
In February, when his Texas constituents were abandoned without power, water, or heat for days on end as their state power grid buckled under the weight of a winter storm, Ted thought, what would Honest Abe do? That’s right, fly to Mexico.
So he hopped on the first flight to Cancun with his family, because from poolside at the Ritz-Carlton, he could better assess the severity of the Texas Blackouts, ingeniously figuring out how to winterize his state’s power plants while cozying up with an umbrellaed, frosted mojito and hate-scrolling AOC’s Twitter feed.
Once photos of him at the airport leaked, though, he immediately boomeranged back to the states and backpedaled the narrative, scapegoating both his wife and tween daughters as the masterminds of the getaway. They don’t teach you that move in A**hole School – you have to learn that one on the streets.
Because when you have a state facing twin crises, with citizens in dire need of humanitarian aid, you can always rest assured that Ted Cruz won’t be there for you.
U.S. Teacher Unions
The National Education Association (“NEA”) is a beast whose shadow looms large as our country’s largest labor union. Yes, teachers are often under-appreciated and should make more money. But our children also need to be in school. Throughout the pandemic, the NEA has been inflexible in its position of not going back to work while swaths of other “essential” workers in health care or service industries have.
We all know remote learning is hot garbage – all my seven-year-old daughter has learned this year is how to share her screen and put herself on mute. Parents, it’s time to make your voices heard.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo
Et tu, Andrew? Cuomo’s Icarus-like fall from grace is staggering… Once hailed as a pandemic hero for his surreal daily press conferences a year ago that gave some comfort to the American people, he now finds himself embroiled in two scandals.
There’s Nursing Home-Gate, which brought to light that he and his team knowingly underreported and subsequently tried to cover up COVID deaths in New York assisted living facilities. And on the heels of that controversy, there’s now multiple women accusing him of sexual harassment. Completing the implosion, former aides have come forward to paint the man as a toxic, berating bully.
Cuomo’s one of the only people (along with Dr. Fauci and Big Tech oligarchs) who could claim 2020 was their best year ever.
Those Who Tried to Cancel Dr. Seuss
Horton hears a what? Whether you pinpoint this to organizations like Kid Conscious or Virginia’s Loudoun County Public Schools, it’s the same extremist, woke, social justice warriors smiling over their newest victim, blade in hand. So now, since some early Seussian illustrations may or may not have been racially insensitive, six Dr. Seuss books you’ve never heard of, such as The Cat’s Quizzer and McElligot’s Pool, have been banned. From there to here, from there to here, cancel culture is everywhere.